CODEPENDENCE AND MOTHERHOOD

It's not that I don't want to look at codependency and its implications.  It just gives me a headache.  When I was in a terrible codependent marriage, I knew how unhealthy it was.  I was so isolated and in denial about the psychological abuse that I was allowing to happen to me.   And now I have to take a serious look at codependency in regards to being a supportive MOM or being an enabler to my daughter's addiction.

I am beginning to see that as her gambling addiction got worse, my enabling also became worse.  I just didn't want to see her in pain or getting herself into legal problems.  Or even worse, I couldn't imagine my child homeless and living out of her car.  This was my daughter who always had well paying jobs and money to burn.  And now I see that I was just prolonging the inevitable of her hitting bottom.  I just had such a difficult time watching her falling farther and farther into the depths of addiction.

In the final few months we really didn't have contact except when she would phone and say that she didn't know where she was, but knew she didn't have enough gas money to get her home from where she was.   As a mother it seemed impossible for me to abandon her.  And yet it didn't seem like she was doing anything to help herself.  Then the phone calls just stopped.  I had no idea if she was dead or alive.  The only place I could find any evidence that she was still on this earth was an updated posting on Facebook. Then the call came begging to come home.  How could I say no?

I guess if I hadn't just come to the realization that she was not going to get well without getting into inpatient rehab, she would still be acting out her addiction.  She would have found a friend to help her get a job, give her a place to live, and for a few months she would have pulled herself together.  Gosh who is to say that once she gets out of rehab, this won't be what happens.  I know that all I can do now is stand firm and not help her out anymore.  As I say this I just realized that once again I was allowing myself to be victim to my daughter's addictive behaviors.

Codependency is like a slithering slug that slinks in to your life and before you know it your whole life is covered with its horrible sticky slime.

FRIDAY MORNING, SO MUCH TO DO, SO DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

About a month ago my boss cut my hours at work to 3 days a week.  At first I was mortified, worried about whether I would have enough money to pay bills, and how can they possibly survive without me? Now that a month has passed, I love working only 3 days a week.  So far I am doing ok moneywise and adjusting to having less disposable income.

There is one thing that I notice happening.  On my days off I start off on Thursday really enthusiastic to clean, work in the yard, finish little projects that I have on going.  Then on Friday morning I wake up, slowly get my day started, and after breakfast I don't feel like doing anything.  I almost feel like I deserve to take a day off and just vegetate.  Problem is on Saturday and Sunday I also don't feel like doing anything.  I wonder what this is all about?  It is almost like now that I have more free time, I just shut down.

Yesterday I took a few minutes for myself and perused my favorite book store.  There I saw a book with the title WHEN I RELAX I FEEL GUILTY.  I have to admit that I was feeling so guilty for just browsing in the bookstore that I didn't even pick it up to see what it was all about.  A few steps down the aisle I found the book, When I Go to Work I Feel Guilty: A Working Mother's Guide to Sanity and Survival.  I thought to myself, well life could be worse.  And of course no sooner had I thought that when I saw the ultimate book title Why Do I Always Feel Guilty?: Breaking Free from What Weighs You Down.  Immediately I was understanding what was happening to me.  The universe was telling me a few things:
1.  I needed to take more time for myself
2.  I should stop feeling guilty
3.  It is OK for me to wake up in the morning, not go to work, and enjoy my life.

When I Relax I Feel Guilty