CODEPENDENCE AND MOTHERHOOD

It's not that I don't want to look at codependency and its implications.  It just gives me a headache.  When I was in a terrible codependent marriage, I knew how unhealthy it was.  I was so isolated and in denial about the psychological abuse that I was allowing to happen to me.   And now I have to take a serious look at codependency in regards to being a supportive MOM or being an enabler to my daughter's addiction.

I am beginning to see that as her gambling addiction got worse, my enabling also became worse.  I just didn't want to see her in pain or getting herself into legal problems.  Or even worse, I couldn't imagine my child homeless and living out of her car.  This was my daughter who always had well paying jobs and money to burn.  And now I see that I was just prolonging the inevitable of her hitting bottom.  I just had such a difficult time watching her falling farther and farther into the depths of addiction.

In the final few months we really didn't have contact except when she would phone and say that she didn't know where she was, but knew she didn't have enough gas money to get her home from where she was.   As a mother it seemed impossible for me to abandon her.  And yet it didn't seem like she was doing anything to help herself.  Then the phone calls just stopped.  I had no idea if she was dead or alive.  The only place I could find any evidence that she was still on this earth was an updated posting on Facebook. Then the call came begging to come home.  How could I say no?

I guess if I hadn't just come to the realization that she was not going to get well without getting into inpatient rehab, she would still be acting out her addiction.  She would have found a friend to help her get a job, give her a place to live, and for a few months she would have pulled herself together.  Gosh who is to say that once she gets out of rehab, this won't be what happens.  I know that all I can do now is stand firm and not help her out anymore.  As I say this I just realized that once again I was allowing myself to be victim to my daughter's addictive behaviors.

Codependency is like a slithering slug that slinks in to your life and before you know it your whole life is covered with its horrible sticky slime.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND DIES?

One week ago my best friend passed away in her sleep.  Her death was totally unexpected.  I know that this happens to people everyday.  I don't assume that what I am going through is anything that other people haven't experienced.  And yet I am still in shock and trying to come to terms with her passing.

It never dawned on me how much of my life revolved around our friendship.  We didn't live in the same state and haven't for over 5 years.  During that time, however, we became closer than ever via the telephone.  At least 3 times a week we would call each other and talk for hours.  So now it seems strange that the person that I shared everything with, is not there to talk to.  So what do you do when your best friend dies?

The only thing I can think of doing is to start writing down everything that I can remember about her.  Her life was so troubled.  She was alienated from her family and yet now that she has passed away they have rushed in to claim her body and mourn.  It is such a strange feeling.  I think I am one of only about 3 people on this earth who knows the truth about her life, all that she endured from an abusive childhood to addictions in adulthood.  Why do these people who never wanted to give her the time of day when she was alive all of a sudden want to pretend that they care that she died?

I am sure it may take me a long time to make sense of any of all of this.  Maybe I never will.  It really makes me wonder about what happens to us after we pass away.  I want to believe that there is an afterlife, or reincarnation.  I want to believe that all that happens on earth suddenly makes sense after death.  But I am afraid I don't have knowledge or faith that allows me to believe in the here and beyond.