LOOKING BACK OR LOOKING FORWARD?

Almost all of my life I have wanted to write.  What does that statement mean?  wanted to write...... Really all of my life I have been writing.  It is the one thing that has been a consistent friend, my therapy, through all the good times, but especially the bad.  When I say I wanted to write, what I really mean is that I wanted to get paid for writing.  I wanted to write that perfect novel, the love story, the biography, even the news story that would end up being a best seller.  So why haven't I done it?

Looking back I would say that I have made a lot of excuses.  The only really honest reason is probably the fear surrounded with not completing something that I start.  I remember birthdays coming and going and saying, ok, this is the year.. and that year would pass and still the book was only an outline on the paper.  I probably have at least 10 books outlined and journaled and put away in my basement.

What is going to push me to start an finish my book project?  Perhaps it will be that I want a memoir to give my friend's girls when they are old enough to want to know about their Mom.  Or maybe it will be the one gift that I can leave behind for my own children and grandchildren?

In this day of reality TV and fast-paced computer stories is there room for another novel about life?  Who cares.  It isn't about what other people want anyway.  I am not the people pleasing Momma anymore. There is only one person who has to like what I write and that is ME.

THE LETTER

The envelope sat Unopened, untouched Silent as the empty room If I waited Another minute One more hour Until next week Would the message change? Unadorned Plain white envelope No addressee name It had to be for me I was the only one here. In my hand It felt cold to the touch Like a leaf that Had fallen off the Tree in the dead of winter I opened it slowly With caution As if the words Were sharp razor blades That would cut my fingers. I am so sorry -it started- I was so afraid To be with you And give you my heart. I know one day I will regret That I left this way Just a note Like a sad love song Left unfinished.

FRIDAY MORNING, SO MUCH TO DO, SO DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

About a month ago my boss cut my hours at work to 3 days a week.  At first I was mortified, worried about whether I would have enough money to pay bills, and how can they possibly survive without me? Now that a month has passed, I love working only 3 days a week.  So far I am doing ok moneywise and adjusting to having less disposable income.

There is one thing that I notice happening.  On my days off I start off on Thursday really enthusiastic to clean, work in the yard, finish little projects that I have on going.  Then on Friday morning I wake up, slowly get my day started, and after breakfast I don't feel like doing anything.  I almost feel like I deserve to take a day off and just vegetate.  Problem is on Saturday and Sunday I also don't feel like doing anything.  I wonder what this is all about?  It is almost like now that I have more free time, I just shut down.

Yesterday I took a few minutes for myself and perused my favorite book store.  There I saw a book with the title WHEN I RELAX I FEEL GUILTY.  I have to admit that I was feeling so guilty for just browsing in the bookstore that I didn't even pick it up to see what it was all about.  A few steps down the aisle I found the book, When I Go to Work I Feel Guilty: A Working Mother's Guide to Sanity and Survival.  I thought to myself, well life could be worse.  And of course no sooner had I thought that when I saw the ultimate book title Why Do I Always Feel Guilty?: Breaking Free from What Weighs You Down.  Immediately I was understanding what was happening to me.  The universe was telling me a few things:
1.  I needed to take more time for myself
2.  I should stop feeling guilty
3.  It is OK for me to wake up in the morning, not go to work, and enjoy my life.

When I Relax I Feel Guilty

I love the Morning At Dawn

The best time of the day for me is right before the sun rises.  I love the feel of the cool air as it begins to mix with the heat of the sunshine.  I love how the birds sing as a slight breeze picks up.  I love how nature seems to wake up to the promise of a new beginning.

This is the time of the day when my brain seems both empty and full at the same time.  My thoughts are always so much clearer and I am able to soar from one beautiful place to the next.  It is in this moment of in between day and night that I can hear the Universal voice speak to me so clearly.

Today in my meditation I found myself flitting back and forth between lists of things I have done right and things I have done wrong in my life.  When I started to ponder upon all of these things I realized that many of the things that I have done wrong have actually been my most valuable lessons learned in life.  So how can I really judge that something was right or wrong.   It is all a part of me and my journey.