THE LETTER

The envelope sat Unopened, untouched Silent as the empty room If I waited Another minute One more hour Until next week Would the message change? Unadorned Plain white envelope No addressee name It had to be for me I was the only one here. In my hand It felt cold to the touch Like a leaf that Had fallen off the Tree in the dead of winter I opened it slowly With caution As if the words Were sharp razor blades That would cut my fingers. I am so sorry -it started- I was so afraid To be with you And give you my heart. I know one day I will regret That I left this way Just a note Like a sad love song Left unfinished.

CODEPENDENCE AND MOTHERHOOD

It's not that I don't want to look at codependency and its implications.  It just gives me a headache.  When I was in a terrible codependent marriage, I knew how unhealthy it was.  I was so isolated and in denial about the psychological abuse that I was allowing to happen to me.   And now I have to take a serious look at codependency in regards to being a supportive MOM or being an enabler to my daughter's addiction.

I am beginning to see that as her gambling addiction got worse, my enabling also became worse.  I just didn't want to see her in pain or getting herself into legal problems.  Or even worse, I couldn't imagine my child homeless and living out of her car.  This was my daughter who always had well paying jobs and money to burn.  And now I see that I was just prolonging the inevitable of her hitting bottom.  I just had such a difficult time watching her falling farther and farther into the depths of addiction.

In the final few months we really didn't have contact except when she would phone and say that she didn't know where she was, but knew she didn't have enough gas money to get her home from where she was.   As a mother it seemed impossible for me to abandon her.  And yet it didn't seem like she was doing anything to help herself.  Then the phone calls just stopped.  I had no idea if she was dead or alive.  The only place I could find any evidence that she was still on this earth was an updated posting on Facebook. Then the call came begging to come home.  How could I say no?

I guess if I hadn't just come to the realization that she was not going to get well without getting into inpatient rehab, she would still be acting out her addiction.  She would have found a friend to help her get a job, give her a place to live, and for a few months she would have pulled herself together.  Gosh who is to say that once she gets out of rehab, this won't be what happens.  I know that all I can do now is stand firm and not help her out anymore.  As I say this I just realized that once again I was allowing myself to be victim to my daughter's addictive behaviors.

Codependency is like a slithering slug that slinks in to your life and before you know it your whole life is covered with its horrible sticky slime.