POPPY DREAMS

There is something so beautiful and tender about the poppy.  Like every flower it has so many different phases to its life.  Something that I had never noticed is that a poppy is just as beautiful in it's blooming phase as it is when it is withering and dying.  It has been used as a symbol for death, sleep, resurrection, and eternal life.  And of course the red corn poppy is the symbol used for remembrance on Memorial Day.

I was compelled to put together a collection of my poppy pictures from my garden and put some music in the background to add a meditative mood.  I hope you enjoy the outcome.

LOOKING BACK OR LOOKING FORWARD?

Almost all of my life I have wanted to write.  What does that statement mean?  wanted to write...... Really all of my life I have been writing.  It is the one thing that has been a consistent friend, my therapy, through all the good times, but especially the bad.  When I say I wanted to write, what I really mean is that I wanted to get paid for writing.  I wanted to write that perfect novel, the love story, the biography, even the news story that would end up being a best seller.  So why haven't I done it?

Looking back I would say that I have made a lot of excuses.  The only really honest reason is probably the fear surrounded with not completing something that I start.  I remember birthdays coming and going and saying, ok, this is the year.. and that year would pass and still the book was only an outline on the paper.  I probably have at least 10 books outlined and journaled and put away in my basement.

What is going to push me to start an finish my book project?  Perhaps it will be that I want a memoir to give my friend's girls when they are old enough to want to know about their Mom.  Or maybe it will be the one gift that I can leave behind for my own children and grandchildren?

In this day of reality TV and fast-paced computer stories is there room for another novel about life?  Who cares.  It isn't about what other people want anyway.  I am not the people pleasing Momma anymore. There is only one person who has to like what I write and that is ME.

THE LETTER

The envelope sat Unopened, untouched Silent as the empty room If I waited Another minute One more hour Until next week Would the message change? Unadorned Plain white envelope No addressee name It had to be for me I was the only one here. In my hand It felt cold to the touch Like a leaf that Had fallen off the Tree in the dead of winter I opened it slowly With caution As if the words Were sharp razor blades That would cut my fingers. I am so sorry -it started- I was so afraid To be with you And give you my heart. I know one day I will regret That I left this way Just a note Like a sad love song Left unfinished.

ODE TO THE OLD WASH RAG

THE OLD WASH RAG

It hung

over the faucet

like a limp

leaf of lettuce

Smelling of

mixtures

of tuna fish

coffee and

slightly spoiled milk.

How could

you allow

your beautiful

yellow daisies

take on the

look of the

garden soil?

Just yesterday

you were so

so fresh

like summer sunshine

and ready

to fulfill

your purpose

in life.

Maybe someone

will take pity

on you and

spill a bit

of green apple

biodegradable

on your porcelain

grave.

CODEPENDENCE AND MOTHERHOOD

It's not that I don't want to look at codependency and its implications.  It just gives me a headache.  When I was in a terrible codependent marriage, I knew how unhealthy it was.  I was so isolated and in denial about the psychological abuse that I was allowing to happen to me.   And now I have to take a serious look at codependency in regards to being a supportive MOM or being an enabler to my daughter's addiction.

I am beginning to see that as her gambling addiction got worse, my enabling also became worse.  I just didn't want to see her in pain or getting herself into legal problems.  Or even worse, I couldn't imagine my child homeless and living out of her car.  This was my daughter who always had well paying jobs and money to burn.  And now I see that I was just prolonging the inevitable of her hitting bottom.  I just had such a difficult time watching her falling farther and farther into the depths of addiction.

In the final few months we really didn't have contact except when she would phone and say that she didn't know where she was, but knew she didn't have enough gas money to get her home from where she was.   As a mother it seemed impossible for me to abandon her.  And yet it didn't seem like she was doing anything to help herself.  Then the phone calls just stopped.  I had no idea if she was dead or alive.  The only place I could find any evidence that she was still on this earth was an updated posting on Facebook. Then the call came begging to come home.  How could I say no?

I guess if I hadn't just come to the realization that she was not going to get well without getting into inpatient rehab, she would still be acting out her addiction.  She would have found a friend to help her get a job, give her a place to live, and for a few months she would have pulled herself together.  Gosh who is to say that once she gets out of rehab, this won't be what happens.  I know that all I can do now is stand firm and not help her out anymore.  As I say this I just realized that once again I was allowing myself to be victim to my daughter's addictive behaviors.

Codependency is like a slithering slug that slinks in to your life and before you know it your whole life is covered with its horrible sticky slime.

LIFE LESSONS - I HAVE LEARNED

                       

A lot has happened in my life since I published my list of Life Lessons I Have Learned.  As a member of the baby boomer generation I am facing my own mortality.  My parents have both passed away and with this experience I have gained even more wisdom.  Of course it is nothing extraordinary.  It is living through the experience that gives me more insight.

What I would add to this list below is that if you are honored to be with someone that you love while they are passing from this life... just keep pinching yourself to stay in the moment.  Honor them by listening to them and giving them comfort.  Do not start mourning before they leave or you will miss the greatest opportunity of a lifetime - and that is just to BE PRESENT for them.  Enjoy the memories of those last few moments because when they are over - you will relive them in your mind over and over.  

1.    Take advantage of opportunities as they arise.  If you don’t someone else will.

2.    Enjoy each moment as if it is your last.  (Sometime it will be)

3.    Listen to your inner voice.  That is your intuition.  It is your connection between your heart and your head.  If you ignore it too much, you may quiet it forever.

4.    Each one of us shapes our own reality.  You have the choice to make your reality what you want it to be.  People who constantly think that they are a victim of their circumstances, create the reality of being a victim.

5.    What you think about expands.  If you think you are happy, you will be happy.  If you think you are sad, you will be sad.  Be careful to think about only what you want to expand. (This is quite difficult to achieve at first but with a bit of exercise, it becomes easier and easier.)

6.    Create memories for your later years when you can sit back and recall your life. That doesn’t mean that you will stop making memories, however, sometimes our physical body starts to deteriorate with age, and it is difficult to do some of the more extreme pleasures that we were able to in our youth.

7.    Live your life with integrity.  When faced with a decision, reach into your heart and examine the options and then make choices that align with your integrity.

8.    Cherish silence in your life.  Create time to just be silent.  Stop your mind from all its frantic activity and just be.

9.    Be OUTRAGEOUS with your passion.  Push the limits and step outside your comfort zone.  This is a way to stretch your comfort zone.  Try to do one thing everyday that will put you outside of your comfort zone.

10. Take care of your physical body as the precious vessel of life that it is.  Feed it with nourishing food.  Exercise your muscles, drink plenty of water, and try to eliminate toxic emotions.

11.  When faced with a big challenge in life, remember how you faced this before.  Our lives will be full of mountains to climb, and with practice, each mountain becomes easier to conquer.

12. Go with the flow.  Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream.  Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.  When it feels like you are fighting with the rest of the world, you probably are.  Let go of the need to control everybody and everything around you.  If you feel like everywhere you turn there is a roadblock, that is because people react to controlling people by trying to counterbalance with their own control.  Let go of the need to control.

13.  When in doubt about how to deal with a problem, look to see how nature takes care of its problems.  Every problem in nature has a solution.  If there is an earthquake and the land can’t take the stress, it splits apart.  Think about that when you are experiencing a lot of stress in your life.  If your body can’t handle it, it will also split apart in the form of illness.

14.  Let go of the need to have other peoples’ approval.  This was an agreement we entered into when we were too young to know better.  As an adult we have only one person that we have to have approval from…. OURSELF. 

15. Be your own person in love with yourself.  Be very kind to that person that you love.  Nourish yourself with nurturing thoughts.  As an adult you now can make the right choices for your soul and spirit.  Be the parent that you always wanted to have and love the helpless child that remains inside of you.  Heal your childhood wounds in order to fulfill all of your dreams and live the life you have always dreamed of.

16. Forgive anybody that you feel has done something against you.  Ask for forgiveness if you have done anything against another person.  Most important…. FORGIVE YOURSELF.  I think we all understand the idea of forgiveness.  If we can forgive and be forgiven, it allows us to let go of negative energy and replace it with positive energy.  In addition to these two steps, however, is a third step, and perhaps the hardest to achieve.  Forgive yourself.  Once you can truly forgive yourself of your indiscretions then you are ready to let go of all the negative energy that the circumstance has created and move ahead in your life.

17. Nature abhors a vacuum.  If you find that your life feels empty or that you are continuously feeling lonely, then you probably have a vacuum in your life.  What the vacuum does is sucks in something to fill up that empty space.  If it is not filled with positive, creative plans and ideas, it will fill up with “something else”.  Sometimes this “something else” will be sadness, loneliness, and feelings of emptiness.  It is important to fill the vacuum with lots of positive and creative plans, events, and plenty of nourishing pampering ideas so that there is no place for the negative to creep in.  Once again, this takes a lot of practice to achieve, but gets easier over time.

We avoid the things that we're afraid of because we think there will be

dire consequences if we confront them. But the truly dire consequences in

our lives come from avoiding things that we need to learn about or discover.

   -- Shakti Gawain

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND DIES?

One week ago my best friend passed away in her sleep.  Her death was totally unexpected.  I know that this happens to people everyday.  I don't assume that what I am going through is anything that other people haven't experienced.  And yet I am still in shock and trying to come to terms with her passing.

It never dawned on me how much of my life revolved around our friendship.  We didn't live in the same state and haven't for over 5 years.  During that time, however, we became closer than ever via the telephone.  At least 3 times a week we would call each other and talk for hours.  So now it seems strange that the person that I shared everything with, is not there to talk to.  So what do you do when your best friend dies?

The only thing I can think of doing is to start writing down everything that I can remember about her.  Her life was so troubled.  She was alienated from her family and yet now that she has passed away they have rushed in to claim her body and mourn.  It is such a strange feeling.  I think I am one of only about 3 people on this earth who knows the truth about her life, all that she endured from an abusive childhood to addictions in adulthood.  Why do these people who never wanted to give her the time of day when she was alive all of a sudden want to pretend that they care that she died?

I am sure it may take me a long time to make sense of any of all of this.  Maybe I never will.  It really makes me wonder about what happens to us after we pass away.  I want to believe that there is an afterlife, or reincarnation.  I want to believe that all that happens on earth suddenly makes sense after death.  But I am afraid I don't have knowledge or faith that allows me to believe in the here and beyond.

FAREWELL MY DEAR FRIEND

She wasn't known by many and yet everyone who met her loved her infectious energy.  On Thursday during the night the universe called my darling friend home. She was only 48 years young.  And she spent many of those years in a struggle to maintain sobriety.  Thankfully the past year of her life she was winning the war against the demons that she lived with.

There are so many things that are sad about a vibrant life cut short too soon. She had so many plans of how she wanted to raise her daughters.  We would talk endlessly about the books we were going to write together, plans of trips we were going to take, and even conversations that we didn't have time to exchange. Donna, I am so sad to say goodbye, and at the same time I know that your suffering on this earthly plane is finished.

We always joked that when our time here was over we would meet again in that other dimension.  We would recognize each other, standing waiting at a bus stop, and we would say to each other - "Do you believe what just happened!"   Of course every time she said that to me, I never believed that she would get to the bus stop before me.

Baruch dayan ha'emet-----Blessed be the Judge of Truth

FRIDAY MORNING, SO MUCH TO DO, SO DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING

About a month ago my boss cut my hours at work to 3 days a week.  At first I was mortified, worried about whether I would have enough money to pay bills, and how can they possibly survive without me? Now that a month has passed, I love working only 3 days a week.  So far I am doing ok moneywise and adjusting to having less disposable income.

There is one thing that I notice happening.  On my days off I start off on Thursday really enthusiastic to clean, work in the yard, finish little projects that I have on going.  Then on Friday morning I wake up, slowly get my day started, and after breakfast I don't feel like doing anything.  I almost feel like I deserve to take a day off and just vegetate.  Problem is on Saturday and Sunday I also don't feel like doing anything.  I wonder what this is all about?  It is almost like now that I have more free time, I just shut down.

Yesterday I took a few minutes for myself and perused my favorite book store.  There I saw a book with the title WHEN I RELAX I FEEL GUILTY.  I have to admit that I was feeling so guilty for just browsing in the bookstore that I didn't even pick it up to see what it was all about.  A few steps down the aisle I found the book, When I Go to Work I Feel Guilty: A Working Mother's Guide to Sanity and Survival.  I thought to myself, well life could be worse.  And of course no sooner had I thought that when I saw the ultimate book title Why Do I Always Feel Guilty?: Breaking Free from What Weighs You Down.  Immediately I was understanding what was happening to me.  The universe was telling me a few things:
1.  I needed to take more time for myself
2.  I should stop feeling guilty
3.  It is OK for me to wake up in the morning, not go to work, and enjoy my life.

When I Relax I Feel Guilty

I love the Morning At Dawn

The best time of the day for me is right before the sun rises.  I love the feel of the cool air as it begins to mix with the heat of the sunshine.  I love how the birds sing as a slight breeze picks up.  I love how nature seems to wake up to the promise of a new beginning.

This is the time of the day when my brain seems both empty and full at the same time.  My thoughts are always so much clearer and I am able to soar from one beautiful place to the next.  It is in this moment of in between day and night that I can hear the Universal voice speak to me so clearly.

Today in my meditation I found myself flitting back and forth between lists of things I have done right and things I have done wrong in my life.  When I started to ponder upon all of these things I realized that many of the things that I have done wrong have actually been my most valuable lessons learned in life.  So how can I really judge that something was right or wrong.   It is all a part of me and my journey.